Confessions Of A Jaded Girl

I’m human. I’ve pissed many people off in my day. From family and friends, to coworkers, to Toyota Prius drivers, there is something to be said about the lack of manifestation of my good intentions. The position of my heart in every circumstance should be reflected in my actions. I get it. However, there is so much more to me than I choose to share, even though I share a whole lot via blogs. Here’s my first jab at addressing this issue publicly.

Look, if I’ve ever hurt you, I’m sorry. If you’ve ever put your faith in me, and I let you down, my bad. Chances are, I still love you. I’ve just been through a lot of shit , okay? I’m jaded.

At the beginning of last year, I made a commitment to live unapologetically. Prior to that point in my life, I had spent way too many years trying to appease others. I would have literally taken the bullet (and quite frankly, still will) for some of the people in my life. Often times, my dedication to go above and beyond for others was not matched, or my good intentions were met with so much disappointment that I began to question myself. Was it me? Was I a bad person because of the way others treated me? Was I weak for being kind, sparing the feelings of others just to keep the peace and gain acceptance? Was my neutrality a bad thing?  I always felt it was easier to just love someone than to hate them.

This self-examination led to self-doubt, and coupled with years of felt rejection, it created this montage of bottled feelings that I could only mask by making light of the situation. I get by on lame jokes, blog posts that take me deeper into my emotions, and anything to mask my deep distrust in most people. It’s almost as if I just wait to be disappointed, all while framing myself as a realistic optimist. I have hope, but I’ll admit that it’s my faith in people that needs a bit of work. But, it seemed like all of these feelings took the backseat when I was secretly struggling to survive. I had to– and still have to– just, well, keep living. So, texts were (and still are) ignored, energy is preserved, and genuine emotional reactions are hard to trigger.

I’ve recently realized that trying to do away with my emotions altogether is ineffective. You can’t give too much, but you also cannot give too little. Balance is a necessity, as I navigate out of this funk.

I am going to try to do better. I am going to balance my emotional needs, without alienating the people in my life.

There, I said it. If I keep “trying,” I will never change. I have to act. I will not be remembered for my intentions, but instead for my actions, what I created, and who I inspired in the process. I hope that everyone reading this gets it. I hope that you learn to embrace your needs, and to find that emotional balance that is so very vital. If you feel like I’ve been shitty, forgive me, because I’m far from perfect, just like the rest of us. I found clarity in this quote that I posted some days ago on Instagram. I hope this helps.